Catecheses 1 part 23/23

But even though I, senselessly carried away with them, was rejoicing, You could not bear, Master, to see me being led about and dragged in unseemly fashion; rather, You had compassion, You had mercy, and You sent forth to me, the sinful and wretched one, neither an angel nor a man, but You Yourself, moved by the compassions of Your goodness, bending down over that deepest of pits, and stretching out Your undefiled hand to me who was buried and seated somewhere down in the depth of the mire—while I did not even see You (for where had I the means, or how could I at all have looked up, being covered over and choked by the mire?)—

You took hold of the hairs of my head, and drawing me forcibly from thence You pulled me up, while I felt indeed the pains and the sudden upward rush, and how I was ascending, but was ignorant by whom I was being led up at all, or who it was that held me and led me up.

But having led me up and set me upon the earth, You delivered me over to Your servant and disciple—while I was wholly filthy and had my eyes, ears, and mouth stopped up with the mire, and even so did not see who You are, but only knew what manner of good and man-loving One You are—out of that deepest pit and mire You led me forth.

'Take hold, and cleaving to this man, follow him.'

Where, then, You had been, I do not know.

For he indeed, at every spring and fountain, of his own accord washed and bathed himself hour by hour; but I, not seeing, passed by the greater part of them.

For unless he had taken hold of my hand and set me at the spring, and guided the hands of my mind, I could not have found the fountain of water, wherever it happened to be.

And when he had pointed it out and often let me wash, together with the clean water I would somehow take up in my palms clay lying nearby the spring, and mire as well, and defile my face; and often too, groping to find the fountain of water, I would draw up dust along with it and stir up the mire, and, seeing nothing at all, defiling my face with the mire as though it were water, I supposed I was washing myself clean.

And how shall I recount the constraint and force that came from this again?

'Why do you labor in vain, acting foolishly, and follow this mocker and deceiver, vainly and unprofitably expecting to see again?'

Why do you not rather come to the merciful men who beg to give you rest, to nourish you, and to tend you well?

For it is not possible for you to be freed from the leprosy of the soul, nor ever now to receive your sight again.

For whence has this mocker suddenly appeared as a wonderworker, promising you things which among all the men of the present generation are impossible?

Woe to you, for you will lose even the care that is given you by the men who love Christ, who love the brethren, and who are compassionate; and the hardships and afflictions which you endure upon vain hopes you will go on bearing, and you will in truth fall away from the things promised you by that deceiver and impostor.

And apart from us, do you not reason within yourself, nor consider?

Do not we too, all of us, see?

Or are we blind, as that deluded fellow tells you?

Truly we all see, and there is no other sight greater than this, deceive yourself not.

But from all these men, the truly deceiving and deluding ones, who give their neighbor a murky draught to overthrow him, You, the merciful and compassionate One, delivered me through the faith and hope granted me by You, by which You also strengthened me to endure both the things now told and yet many others.

But indeed, when I persevered in all these things and did not withdraw, but thus daily washed away those murky and palpable stains and seemed to be cleansed, as Your apostle and disciple taught me, walking sometimes and running to the fountain, You Yourself again, who had earlier drawn me out of the mire, met me on the way.

And then for the first time You made the undefiled radiance of Your face flash about my feeble eyes, and even that light which I thought I had I lost, being unable to recognize You.

And how could I have been able—I who could not even see the radiance of the face of Him, nor make it out, nor discern it—to see You Yourself, or to know who You were?

Thereafter then, as I stood ever more frequently at the fountain itself, You who are without arrogance did not disdain to come down, but drawing near and first taking hold of my head, You would dip it in the waters and make me see the light of Your face more purely.

But straightway You flew off, not giving me to understand who You were who did these things, or whence You came, or whither You departed; for this You did not yet grant me.

Moreover You bathed me the more with the waters, and granted me to see more purely and gave me more light.

And having done this over a long time, You deemed me worthy to behold an awesome thing and mystery.

For as You drew near and seemed to be washing me with the waters and bathing me and often dipping me into them, I beheld the lightnings that shone about me and the rays of Your face mingled with the waters, and I was astonished, seeing myself washed with light-bearing water.

And whence or from where was the One who supplied this, I did not know; only, as I was being washed, I rejoiced, growing in faith, winged by hope, and ascending even to heaven; while as for those deceivers who put before me the words of deceit and falsehood, I hated them exceedingly and pitied their delusion, and I would not come together with them at all for meeting or conversation, but even fled the harm of the very sight of them. But my fellow-worker and helper—I mean Your holy disciple and apostle—I revered, honored, and loved from my soul as though he were You Yourself who fashioned me, falling at his feet night and day and beseeching him, 'If you can do anything, help me,' being fully assured that whatever he wills, he is able to obtain from You.

So then, continuing for a good while in Your grace, I saw yet another awesome mystery.

For having taken hold of me, You ascended into the heavens and carried me up with You—whether in the body, I do not know, or out of the body, You alone know, who also did this.

But indeed, when I had spent an hour there with You, I was struck with amazement at the greatness of the glory—whose, however, and of what I did not know—and being astonished at its immeasurable height, I shuddered all over.

But again You left me alone upon the earth, where I had stood before, and I found myself lamenting and astonished at my wretchedness.

Then, when after no long while I was below, above in the heavens, when they had been opened, You deemed me worthy to have Your face shown to me, like a sun without form.

And who You were, not even so did You grant me to know—for how could I, since You did not speak to me?

But You were straightway hidden, and I went about seeking You whom I did not know, and I longed to see Your form and to know knowingly who You were.

Therefore, from the great constraint and the fire of Your love, I wept continually, not knowing who You Yourself were, who brought me from non-being into being, and led me out of the mire, and did for me all the things that have been told.

So then, as You appeared thus many times, and many times again were hidden from me without speaking, wholly unseen, while I beheld the lightnings and the radiance of Your face, as before in the waters, again and many times encircling me, yet being wholly at a loss how to grasp them, I would remember where above I had once seen You, and foolishly supposing You to be another, I again sought with tears to behold You.

So then, in much grief and affliction and anguish, pressing myself hard and forgetting myself and the whole world entirely and all that is in the world, and conceiving of neither shadow nor anything at all, nor what the thing seen might be—You Yourself, who are invisible to all, untouchable and ungraspable, appeared; and You seemed to me to be cleansing my mind and enlarging the seeing faculty of my soul, and granting me to behold Your glory the more; and as You Yourself the more increase and, shining more, are enlarged, I perceived, by the retreat of the darkness, that it was You Yourself drawing near and coming—just as we often experience even in things perceptible to the senses.

For when the moon is shining and the clouds are as it were passing by, the moon is seen and seems to run most swiftly, though it adds nothing to its accustomed course nor alters its original path.

Thus then, O Master, You the immovable seemed to come, and You the unchangeable seemed to grow great, and You the formless seemed to take form.

For just as in the case of a blind man gradually recovering his sight and coming to perceive the character of a man and, from little by little, to make out what sort he is, the character is not altered or remolded with regard to the sight, but rather the seeing faculty of his eyes, being purged away, sees the character such as it is—the whole likeness of him being as it were imprinted upon the seeing faculty, and through this passing into it and being impressed and, as upon a tablet, engraved upon the intellectual and remembering part of the soul—so You Yourself were seen, when by the light of the Holy Spirit You had wholly purified my mind.

And as it saw more clearly and more purely, You seemed to me to be coming forth from somewhere and to appear more resplendent, and You granted me to see the character of a form that is formless; and then You brought me outside the world—I dare to say, outside the body as well, for this You did not grant me to know exactly—You outshone all, and, as it seemed, You appeared wholly to me who saw wholly and well; and as I said, 'O Master, who then are You?', then for the first time You deemed me, the prodigal, worthy of Your voice, and thus gently You spoke to me, as I rose up trembling and amazed and in some measure reasoning within myself and saying:

'How, or whence, have I been deemed worthy of such good things?'—'I am,' He says, 'the God who for your sake became man; and because you sought Me with your whole soul, behold, from now on you shall be My brother, My fellow-heir, and My friend.'

At these things, then, being struck with amazement and poured out in my soul and scattered in my strength, I answered, 'Who am I, or what have I done, O Master, wretched and miserable, that You should make me worthy of such good things and make me a partaker and fellow-heir of such glory?'—and as I reckoned this glory and joy to be beyond the mind, You the Master again, as a friend conversing with a friend, through Your Spirit that speaks in me, said to me:

'For what else have you, or have you ever had that was your own, having been brought forth from Me naked, so that, taking that in exchange for this, I might give you these things?'

'For unless you are loosed from the flesh, you will not behold the perfect, nor will you be able rightly to enjoy the whole of it.'

'For me, for now, it suffices to be thus even after death.'—'How very fainthearted you are,' You said, 'being content with such things.'

'For these things, compared with the things to come, are like a heaven depicted on paper and held in the hands;'

'for by as much as this falls short of the true heaven, by so much more, and incomparably, will the glory to come be revealed above the one now seen by you.'

Having said these things You fell silent, and little by little, O sweet and good Master, You were hidden from my eyes—whether it was I who withdrew far from You, or You who departed from me, I do not know.

Meanwhile then, I came again wholly to myself, supposing that I had come from somewhere, and I entered into the first tabernacle.

Whence, remembering the beauty of the glory and Your words, walking, sitting, eating, drinking, and praying, I wept and passed my days in unspeakable joy, having come to know You, the Maker of all things.

But indeed, again grieving and thus once more longing to see You, when I went off to venerate the undefiled icon of her who bore You and fell down before it, You Yourself, before I could rise, appeared to me within my wretched heart, having made it as light; and then I knew that I have You within me knowingly.

From then, therefore, it was not by remembering You and the things concerning You that I loved You from the memory of such things, but I believed in truth that I have You within me, the love that subsists in person.

For You are the true love, O God.

So then, hope having been implanted in faith and in it watered by repentance and tears, and thereafter illumined by Your light, took root and grew well.

Then You Yourself, the good craftsman and creator, having come with the knife of trials—I mean humility—and having cut away the superfluous branches of thoughts that had risen to a great height, You grafted Your holy love, as into a single root of a tree, into hope alone.

So then, seeing this love daily increasing and ever conversing with me—or rather, through it, You both teaching and enlightening me—as having now come to be beyond all faith and hope, I am so disposed in joy, even as Paul cries out, saying:

'For what a man sees, why does he also hope for it?'

'If, then, I have You, what more shall I hope for?'

'Just as you see the sun in the waters, but do not then behold that sun itself the more by bending downward, so understand for Me what takes place in you; and make yourself secure, and be ever diligent to behold Me within yourself purely and clearly, as the sun in clear waters;'

'and then, seeing Me thus, as I told you, you shall be deemed worthy to see Me even after death.'

'But if not, the whole round of your works and labors and words will profit you nothing; rather, they will condemn you the more and procure for you greater affliction, since, as you hear, the mighty shall be mightily tested.'

'For poverty is not so great a cause of shame to one poor from birth, nor does the grief arising from it grieve him so much, as it does one who has grown rich and been glorified and exalted and made intimate with the king on earth, and then has fallen from all those things and been brought down to utter destitution—and yet the matters are not otherwise even in earthly and visible things than they are in the spiritual and invisible things themselves.'

'For those who have fallen from the friendship and service of the earthly king for some cause are still permitted to be masters of their possessions and to enjoy them and to live; but if anyone should fall from My love and friendship, he cannot live at all—for I am his life—but is straightway stripped of all things and delivered captive to My enemies and his own, who, having taken him, on account of his former goodwill and love which he had held toward Me, trample upon him the more madly, punishing, deriding, and mocking him.'

Yes, truly, O all-holy King, I too believe You, my God, that it is thus; and falling down I beseech You: guard me, the sinful and unworthy one whom You have pitied, and by Your power establish the plant of Your love, which You grafted into the tree of my hope.

Let it not be shaken by winds, let it not be broken by tempest, let it not be plucked up by any enemy, let it not be scorched by the burning heat of negligence, let it not be dried up by sloth and distractions, let it not be utterly wiped out by love of glory.

For You know, You who both granted and wrought this in me, that on account of this I am, from every man, without help; for my fellow-worker and helper, Your apostle, as You Yourself willed, You have separated from me bodily.

Therefore, on this account, have compassion the more upon me from now on, O most compassionate Lord.

and having deemed me worthy to be so called; for to You belongs all thanksgiving, dominion, honor, and worship, to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto the endless ages of ages.