Letters 1 part 4/17

For how, tell me, is it not wonderful, how is it not full of mercy, that though so many passions fell upon me suddenly and showed me stripped and dead of every virtue, I again escaped my own notice, having recognized nothing of what had happened, but suppose myself to be greater than all, and free from passion, and holy, and a wise theologian, justly honored too by all men, and indeed praised, as though worthy of praise — summoning everyone, I think I am gathering honor to myself?

For when they are gathered together I am puffed up all the more, and I look about frequently, lest someone has been left out who did not come and behold me; and if anywhere someone should be found to have overlooked me, I bear a grudge and revile and disparage him, so that he too, hearing of it and unable to bear my reproaches, might come, greet me, appear obedient to me, as though he too needs my prayer and love — and I say to all the rest: 'So-and-so is coming too, and receiving the prayers, and hearing the words and my teaching' — woe is me for my folly!

How then do I see the nakedness of my wretchedness and perceive my wounds and grieve and weep and seek healing, lying in an infirmary, and beseech physicians, showing them my bruises, even laying bare to them my hidden passions, so that they might apply dry dressings, plasters and cauteries, and I might endure patiently for my healing — but instead I add wounds all the more each day?

But, O my God, have mercy on me who have gone astray, and implant your fear in my heart, that I may flee the world according to your commandments and have hatred toward it and withdraw prudently; and do not allow me, Christ, to go on wandering in the midst of it, for I love you alone, though I have not yet loved you, and I look forward to keeping your commandments alone, though I am wholly in the passions, not even having known you.

For who among those who have come to know you has need of the glory of the world?

(...) For the will of the fluctuating flesh is one thing, and that of the Spirit another, and that of my soul yet another.

Yet, as a human being, I am not threefold but twofold: my soul is joined ineffably to my flesh, yet each of the two does not seek what is proper to it in the same fitting way — such as eating and drinking, such as sleeping, which I call the earthly desires of the flesh.

But since again, once separated from the soul, [the flesh] seeks nothing of the kind, but is dead, without perception, like clay, I think that the whole [will] belongs to the soul — that there is one will of the human being.

He, then, who has united what is his own to the Divine Spirit has become god-formed, having received Christ in his breast, a Christian from Christ, having Christ formed within himself entirely — the incomprehensible and only one, the one truly inaccessible to all created things.

But, O undefiled nature, hidden essence, love for mankind unknown to most people, mercy unseen by those who live foolishly, unchangeable essence, indivisible, thrice-holy, simple and formless light, altogether uncomposite, bodiless, inseparable, ungraspable by every nature — how were you seen, as I am seen, known to those in darkness, and held in the arms of your holy mother, and bound as a murderer, and did you suffer bodily as a criminal, O King, wholly willing to save me and to lead me back again into the paradise of glory?

This is your dispensation, this is your coming, this is your compassion and love for mankind, which came to be for our sake — for all men, O Word: believers, unbelievers, gentiles, sinners, saints; for your manifestation has become common to all, the salvation and redemption of the living and of the dead.

(...) But that which happens secretly within me, the prodigal, and is partially accomplished in a knowable unknowing — known indeed altogether to me, but unknown to others — what tongue could speak it, what mind could interpret it, what word could express it, so that even my hand might write it?

For it is truly awesome, Master, awesome and beyond speech, that the light which the world does not possess is seen by me, and he who is not within this world loves me, and I love the one who is nowhere to be found among visible things.

I sit upon my bed, being outside the world, and while I am in the midst of my cell I see him who is, and has become, outside the world; I even converse with him — dare I say it — and I love him, and he too loves me; I eat, I am well nourished by contemplation alone, and being united with him I transcend the heavens; and this I know to be true and certain, though where my body then is, I do not know.

I know that he who is immovable descends; I know that he who is invisible is seen by me; I know that he who is separated from all creation takes me within himself and hides me in his embrace, and I then find myself wholly outside the world.

I, on the other hand — mortal and small in the world — behold within me the whole Maker of the world entire, and I know that I shall not die, being within life, and I have the whole of life springing up within me; it is in my heart, yet it exists in heaven — here and there it is seen by me equally, flashing forth.

But how these things come to be — how could I rightly understand it, and how could I be able to tell you all that I perceive and see?

For truly they are things wholly unutterable and inexpressible, which eye has not seen nor ear heard, (...) nor has it ever entered into a fleshly heart, concerning you.

I thank you, Master, that you have had mercy on me and granted me to see these things and thus to write them, and along with me to proclaim your love for mankind, so that now peoples, tribes and tongues might also be initiated, that you show mercy on all who repent fervently, equal to your apostles and all the saints, and benefit and honor and glorify them, my God, as those who with longing look upon you alone, the Maker of the world, to whom belong glory and honor, power, majesty, as King and God of all and Master, now and always, unto ages of ages. Amen.

Thanksgiving to God for the gifts of which he was deemed worthy by him; and that the dignity of priesthood and of the abbacy is awesome even to angels.

(...) I, Master, even if I wish it, am not able to speak.

Yet I am wounded in soul, I burn within, desiring to speak to you, even if only a little, my God.

I see — for indeed you know my affairs, O my God — that I have defiled all the members of my body and soul from birth, being wholly sin.

I take note of your mercy and love for mankind and the many good things you have wrought in me, and I become almost speechless, nearly despairing, and I am afflicted, continually grieving, wretched that I am, because I am unworthy of all your good things.

Whenever I come to myself and wish in my mind to reckon up, O Christ, the multitude of my evils, and that I have not done one good thing in my life, but instead of the punishments — of your just wrath — which I was bound to undergo for having grieved you so greatly, you have now deemed me worthy of so many good things instead, I fall into despair, I fear your judgment, because I add offenses all the more each day; (...) and I tremble lest you turn your great mercy and love for mankind into the wrath of a greater punishment, because, though benefited, I am the more ungrateful to you, being your wicked servant, servant of the good Master.

All the other things, then, O Lord, provided endurance, procuring for me hope of eternal life; for this reason I also rejoiced greatly — as you alone know — trusting in your goodness and in your mercy.

For this reason you utterly took me out of the world and separated me from all my kinsmen and friends, so that you might have mercy on me and save me, my Christ; being fully assured of this by your grace, I had unfailing joy and firm hope.

How did I, wretched man, give myself over to minister and officiate in such ineffable matters?

Matters at which angels shudder to gaze fearlessly, at which prophets grew timid on hearing at once of the incomprehensibility both of his glory and of the [divine] dispensation; apostles and martyrs and a multitude of teachers cry out and shout, proclaiming themselves unworthy, openly declaring it to all who are in the world.

But how then was I, the prodigal, and how I, the fornicator, and how I, the lowly one, deemed worthy to become even a superior over brethren, (...) a celebrant of the divine mysteries and minister of the immaculate Trinity?

For where there is bread of flesh and of blood, O Word, there you yourself are present, my God and Word, and these things truly become your body and blood by the coming of the Spirit and by the power of the Most High; and, daring, we touch the inaccessible God — or rather, him who dwells in inaccessible light — inaccessible not only to this corruptible and human nature, but also to all the youthful hosts of angels.

This ineffable thing, then, this task and undertaking beyond nature, which I was appointed to perform, persuades me to see even death before my eyes; wherefore, having abandoned delight, I have been seized with trembling, knowing that it is impossible for me — and, I think, for everyone — to minister worthily and to have such an angelic life in the body, indeed one beyond angels, as reason has shown and truth holds, and to become more closely akin to him worthily, touching with the hands and eating with the mouth him whom they, trembling, stand beside in awe.

And as for the judgment concerning the brethren whom I have been appointed to shepherd, what soul could bear it, what mind could find the resources to deal without condemnation with the disposition of each and every one, and to bring in without deficiency all that is required of himself, and to deliver himself from their judgment?

I am persuaded, therefore, and I choose rather to be a disciple, serving the will of one, hearing the words of one, and to render account only for this one alone, than to serve the manners and wills of the many, (...) and to search out their dispositions and to seek out their counsels, and moreover to track down their deeds and thoughts, since judgment awaits me and I am bound to give account for whatever sins they have committed — I who alone was chosen, by the ineffable words of God, to shepherd them.

For each one will be judged and will certainly give account of what he himself has done, whether good or bad; but I alone will give account on behalf of each one — and how can I wish to be saved or shown mercy, I who do not even have any work at all to show for the salvation of my own one wretched soul?

For indeed, be fully assured, I have nothing to allege, for I have never done any deed, small or great, by which I am to be saved from the eternal fire.

But, O loving Savior, compassionate, merciful, grant me, the lowly one, divine power, so that in word I may shepherd with understanding the brothers you have given me, guide them to the pastures of your divine laws, and bring them back safely to the dwellings of the kingdom above — sound, unharmed, radiant with the beauty of the virtues, worthy worshipers of your fearsome throne; and receive me too, unworthy as I am, out of the world — even though marked with the many wounds of sins — yet nonetheless at once your worshiper and worthless servant; and number me, by whatever judgments you know, together with the choirs of the elect, along with my disciples, so that together we may all behold your divine glory, and delight, O Christ, in your ineffable good things.

For you are the enjoyment, the delight and the glory of those who love you fervently, unto ages of ages. Amen.

[On how] Christ our God, becoming [our] members, is one and the same, and remains undivided.

(...) When you reveal yourself, Master of all, and show the glory of your face more clearly, I am wholly seized with trembling, beholding you from above, as far as it is possible for me, lowly in nature; and, seized with fear, I am astonished and say: 'All that is yours, my God, is beyond my comprehension, for indeed I am unclean, wholly unworthy to see you, the pure and holy Master, whom angels revere and serve with trembling, and before whose face all creation is shaken.'

Then I see the great unseemliness of my body, (...) and the unworthiness of my wretched soul, and reflecting on these things I am beside myself, crying out: 'Who then am I, O God and Maker of all things, and what good have I ever done at all in my life, or what commandment of yours have I ever at all fulfilled, that you glorify me, the lowly one, with such glory?'

And from where, or for what reason, have you deemed me, the wretched one, worthy to be so illumined about, night and day?

Did I ever thirst, seeking you, my King? Did I ever suffer hardship in the labors of your commandments? Did I endure temptations and scourges, as did all the saints from of old who patiently endured these things, that you, Christ, might number me together with them and save me?

For surely you will not save me, indolent as I am, apart from works — even though you are exceedingly loving toward mankind, as the fashioner of men.

But I know that you can do all things, you do all things as you will, and to the last, O Master, you give as also to the first — and, O the wonder, you make the last first before the first!

While I was saying these things to you, the Maker of the world, who before appeared above and once was hidden from me, and later surrounded me wholly with your rays, suddenly I behold you having become wholly within me — you who before appeared above, but again hidden by a cloud, just as the sun is altogether without its rays.

As, then, that sun is accessible to those who behold it, (...) and then, as it were, is seen wholly by all the more, so too you, hidden within me, are accessible to me — you, the inaccessible one — being seen, as you know how, by my intellectual eyes, growing little by little, appearing more radiant, flashing more radiant; yet at other times again you appear to me wholly inaccessible.

Therefore I also magnify your incomprehensibility, and proclaiming your goodness I cry out to you: Glory to him who has thus glorified our nature! Glory to your immeasurable condescension, O Savior! Glory to your compassion, glory to your might, glory to you, because, remaining unchangeable and unalterable, you are wholly immovable, yet ever-moving; wholly outside creation, yet wholly within all creation; wholly filling all things, yet wholly outside all things; above all things, Master, above every beginning, above every essence, above nature beyond nature, above all ages, above all light, O Savior, above the intellectual essences — for even they are your work, or rather, they are the work of your very thought!

For you are none of all things, yet you are above all things; for you are the cause of beings, as the creator of all things, and for this reason you are separated from all things, conceived as somewhere above, beyond all beings — invisible, inaccessible, incomprehensible and untouchable; and being incomprehensible, you remain unchangeable; being simple, you are wholly variegated; and the mind is wholly unable to comprehend the variety and beauty of your glory.

You who are outside all things, being the God of all, invisible, inaccessible, incomprehensible and untouchable, (...) yourself also became mortal, entered into the world, and were seen by all as accessible, through the assumption of flesh.

And you were known also to the faithful by the glory of your divinity, and became comprehensible to them — you who are wholly incomprehensible — and wholly visible yourself — you who are invisible to all; and they, the faithful alone, saw and see your glory, the glory of your divine godhead, while all the unbelieving, having seen you, remained blind — you, the light of the world.

The faithful, then, both then and now, always behold you, and they have with them you, the creator of all things, present with them and dwelling together with them in the darkness of this life — you, an unsetting sun, an unquenchable lamp, in no way overtaken by the darkness, but ever illuminating those who behold you.

Since, then, you, as has been said, exist outside all things, and you make those whom you illuminate exist outside the things that are seen; and just as you, being there above with your Father without separation, are yourself wholly with us, and again, being in the world, you are uncontained by the world — for being yourself in all things, you exist above all things — so too you lead us, your servants, out from the midst of things perceived by the senses, out from among visible things, and you raise us up together with you, shining wholly with you above in your light, and you make immortals out of mortals; and, remaining what we are, we become sons by your grace, becoming like you — gods beholding God.

Who then will not run to you, the only lover of mankind? Who will not follow you? Who will not say out of longing: 'Behold, casting away all things, we will follow you' — you, the compassionate, the gentle, the merciful Master, who always await our turning back, (...) who do not desire the death of those who have offended you, who now accomplish in us those awesome things which once, hearing that they happened long ago in the house of David, we marvel at?

And what might these things be? We are the house of David, as his kinsmen, for you yourself, the creator of all things, have become his son, and we are your sons by grace; you are our kinsman in flesh, we are your kinsmen in your divinity.

And we have all together become one house of David, through your particular property, through kinship with you.

You, then, are the Lord of David, in the Spirit; but we are the children of David, all of us your divine offspring; and when we are gathered together, we become one house, that is, all of us kinsmen, all of us your brothers.

And how is this not an awesome wonder, or how will not everyone shudder who at all considers this, who learns this — that you exist with us now and unto the ages, and make each one a house, and dwell within all, and become a house for all — and we dwell in you, O Savior, each one of us wholly with you who are whole; and with each one you exist alone, alone with him alone, and above us all you exist wholly, alone?

Now, then, you exist, accomplishing all these awesome things within us.

Hear a few things out of many; for even though all that we have said is beyond astonishment, nevertheless now hear things more awesome than those!

We become members of Christ, and Christ becomes our members, and Christ is the hand and Christ is the foot of me, the utterly wretched one; and I, the wretched one, am the hand of Christ and the foot of Christ.

I move my hand, and Christ is my hand.

I move my foot and, behold, it flashes like him; do not say that I blaspheme, but accept these things and worship Christ, who makes you too such as this!

For if you too should wish it, you will become his member, and thus all the members of each one of us will become members of Christ, and Christ will become our members, and he will make all the unseemly parts seemly, adorning them with the beauty and glory of divinity, and we shall become gods together, being with God, no longer beholding the unseemliness of the body at all, but all of us being made wholly like Christ in the whole body, and each member of ours will be wholly Christ.

For, becoming present in many, he remains one, undivided, and in each single part he himself, wholly Christ, is present; you have surely then understood in this way that Christ is even my finger and my glans — did you not shudder, or were you even ashamed?

But God was not ashamed to become like you, yet are you ashamed to have become like him?

But I suspected you would say it was blasphemy for him to be spoken of as like that unseemly member.

You have then understood wrongly, for these things are not unseemly!

They are hidden members of Christ, for they are covered, and for this reason they are more venerable than the rest, as being unseen by all — hidden members of the Hidden One — from which the seed is given in divine union, divine, awesomely formed in a divine shape from the very whole of the divinity itself — for he who is united with us is wholly God — O awesome mystery!

And truly a marriage comes to be, the ineffable and divine marriage; (...) he is mingled with each one, and again I shall say these things — out of delight — and each one is united to the Master.

If, then, you have clothed your whole flesh with the whole Christ, you will understand without shame all the things I say.

But if you have put upon your soul not even a small patch at all — I mean, of Christ's undefiled tunic — but exist covered in one place only, in an old garment, and are ashamed of all your other members, while your body is possessed rather wholly filthy, clothed in filthy garments, how will you not blush?

Therefore you attach your own shame to Christ and to me, and you say: 'Are you not ashamed concerning shameful things, or rather, to bring Christ down to shameful members?'

But I say to you again: Behold Christ in the womb, and consider the things that are in the womb, and him passing forth from the womb, and through what place my God, coming forth, passed!

And you would find something more than what I have said, which things he also accepted for our glory, so that no one might be ashamed in imitating him, neither in speaking of what he suffered, nor even in himself experiencing the same.

He became wholly man, and is truly wholly God; he is one, undivided, in every way a perfect man; and the same is God, whole in all his members.

[...] This one was not ashamed of the members of any man, nor of seeing certain people naked, nor of being seen naked himself; for he possessed Christ whole, he himself was wholly Christ, and he always beheld all his own members, and the members of every other person, each one and all, as Christ, and he remained unmoved, unharmed, and free from passion, as being himself wholly Christ, and as seeing all the baptized as Christ, and as having put on Christ entire.

But if you are naked, and flesh will touch flesh, and you have become mad for women like a donkey or a horse — why then do you also dare to slander the saint, and blaspheme against Christ, who was united to us and gave freedom from passion to his holy servants?

...each day, and the souls of all are brides, with whom the Creator is united, and they in turn with him, and the marriage comes to be spiritually, he mingling with them in a manner befitting God.

He does not corrupt them at all — far from it! — but even if he should take them already corrupted and be united to them, he immediately makes them incorruptible, and those things once defiled by corruption they see wholly holy, incorruptible, entirely healed and made whole.

They glorify him who is tender-hearted, they desire him who is beautiful, and cling wholly, with their whole selves, to his love; or rather, having received the holy seed, as we have said, they possess God wholly formed within them.

Are not these things, then, the truth, fathers?

Have we not spoken rightly concerning divine matters? Have I not perhaps said things unfalsified, in accord with the Scriptures?

If, then, you have clothed yourself with the shame of your flesh, and have not stripped bare your mind, have not put off your soul, and have not been able to see the light, being covered in darkness — what then should I do for you, how shall I show you the awesome things, [...] and how, alas, shall I bring you into the house of David?

For he is inaccessible to the slothful like me, he is wholly invisible to the blind who are like me, he is far from the faithless and from those utterly indolent, far removed from all the wicked, from all who love the world; and from the vainglorious he is so incomparably distant as to be above the height of heaven, above the depth of the abyss.

And who, or how, shall anyone ever ascend into heaven, or descend beneath the earth, searching out the abysses?

...being the very least of all, how shall he have the strength to find him?

But, O children, gather together! But, O women, come!

But, O fathers, hasten, before the end arrives, and all of you mourn and weep together with me, because we, who as little ones received God in baptism — or rather, having become infant sons of God — we who sinned were cast out at once from the house of David, and this we have suffered without conscious perception; so let us run through repentance!

For it is from there that all who have been cast out enter in again; otherwise it is not possible to enter within — do not be deceived — nor to see the things that have been accomplished in it, and are now being accomplished, and shall be for endless ages, in my Christ and God, to whom belongs all glory, honor, and worship, now and unto the ages.

For only the Divine is by nature longed for and desired, and he who partakes of it has come to share in all good things. [...] O, what is this reality hidden from every created substance, and what is this intelligible light, which is not seen by anyone, and what is this great wealth, which no one in the world has ever had the strength either to find at all, or to possess entirely?

For he is ungraspable by all, uncontainable by the world; and he is also desirable, to the degree that God, who made all visible things, surpasses them.

By this I am wounded with love for him; and to the degree that he is not seen by me, I am consumed at heart, my mind and my heart burning and groaning.

I walk about and burn, seeking here and there, and nowhere do I find the beloved of my soul; and I look about frequently, to see the one I long for, but he, being invisible, is not seen at all.

And who, then, will draw nearer to him, or how will one be borne up to that immeasurable height?

[...] While I am reasoning, he himself is found within me, flashing forth within my wretched heart, shining round about me on every side with immortal splendor, illumining all my members with his rays; wholly embracing me, he wholly kisses me, and gives himself wholly to me, unworthy as I am; and I am filled to the full with his love and his beauty, and I am satiated with divine pleasure and sweetness.

Then I am made more beautiful than the beautiful, richer than the rich, and I become more powerful than all the powerful, and greater than kings, and far more honored than all things visible — not only than the earth and the things of the earth, but even than heaven and all the things in heaven — having the Creator of all things, to whom belong glory and honor, now and unto the ages. Amen.

For fear begets love, and love uproots fear from the soul, and remains alone in it, being the Divine and Holy Spirit.

[...] How shall I hymn him, how shall I glorify him, how shall I worthily praise my God, who has passed over my many sins?

How shall I look up at all to the height, how shall I open wide my eyes, how shall I open my mouth, O Savior, how shall I move my lips?

How shall I stretch out my hands toward the height of heaven, and what words shall I devise, what utterances shall I bring forth?

...for my immeasurable transgressions, for my many offenses?

For truly I have committed deeds beyond all forgiveness!

You know what I am saying, O Savior: I have transgressed all nature, having done deeds contrary to nature; I have been shown worse than the irrational creatures, than all the creatures of the sea, [...] than all the beasts of the land, than the reptiles and the wild animals — I have truly become worse, transgressing your commandments beyond the nature of irrational beings.

Having defiled my body, then, and utterly befouled my soul, how shall I appear before you, how shall I look upon you, how at all shall I, wretch that I am, dare to stand before your face?

How shall I not flee from your glory, and from the flashing light of your Holy Spirit?

How shall I endure your voice sending me forth into darkness, I who from now on bear the condemnation for my deeds?

Shuddering wholly, trembling wholly, wholly gripped by fear and terror, I cry out to you: I know, O Savior, that no other has sinned against you as I have, nor committed the deeds which I, wretch that I am, have committed; and I have even become a cause of ruin for others.

...neither the multitude of sins, nor the shamefulness of deeds, will ever surpass your great love for mankind — or rather, your mercy, which is beyond great, beyond speech, beyond mind, which you pour out abundantly upon those who fail, and who repent fervently; and you cleanse and illumine them, and make them partakers of light, sharers of your divinity, and you converse and speak together with them as with your own genuine friends. O boundless goodness! O ineffable love!

For this reason I also fall down and cry out fervently to you: as you received the prodigal son and the harlot when they came to you, so receive me too, O compassionate one, repenting from my soul; and reckoning the drops of my tears as springs ever gushing forth, wash with them, my Christ, the stains of my soul, and wash also the stains of my body that come from the passions.

For this is the root and spring of sin: it is the sowing of the evil sower, sown in wickedness.

And wherever it is, it also sprouts and rises to a great height, and puts forth countless branches of wickedness and evil.

...and plant your fear within them, O compassionate one, and grant that it may take root and sprout up well, so that it may grow to a great height, being increased hour by hour through the keeping of your commandments.

And by adding gushing streams to the increase of tears, and being watered ever more from these, it also grows; and to the degree that it is made firm, it also rises to a height.