But we, delighted by things present, while we seek our own comforts and honors in this life, hasten to be not better but richer, not holier but more honored than others; and we ponder in a fleshly way not the Lord's flock, which has been committed to us to be fed and guarded, but our own pleasures, dominion, riches, and other allurements; we wish to be called shepherds, yet do not strive to be such; we shun the labor of our office and crave its dignity. We do not drive off the wild beasts—the unclean spirits—from mangling the flock, and what they have left we ourselves devour; since we not only do not reprove the sinning rich or powerful, but even venerate them;
lest, being offended, they fail to direct their accustomed gifts to us, or withdraw the obsequious attentions we desire: and thus, captivated by their gifts and services—nay, through these enslaved to them—we are afraid to speak to them of their sin or of the judgment to come. And therefore the divine word menacingly confounds our pride; yet our hearing admits nothing whereby we might profit: because, captivated by the sweetness of the present life, we are unwilling to consider what punishment awaits our negligence for ever. These things, therefore, are said against shepherds, with whose empty title we flatter ourselves: Thus says the Lord: Woe to the shepherds of Israel, who fed themselves. Are not the flocks fed by the shepherds? You ate the milk, and clothed yourselves with the wool;
you slew what was fat, but you did not feed my flock. What was weak you did not strengthen, and what was sick you did not heal; what was broken you did not bind up, and what was cast away you did not bring back. What had perished you did not seek, but with harshness you ruled over them, and with violence: and my sheep were scattered, because there was no shepherd, and they became the devouring prey of all the beasts of the field (Ezek. 34:1ff.). And a little after: Therefore, shepherds, hear the word of the Lord: As I live, says the Lord God; because my flocks have become a spoil, and my sheep the devouring prey of all the beasts of the field, because there was no shepherd; for neither did the shepherds seek my flock;
but the shepherds fed themselves, and did not feed my flock: Therefore, shepherds, hear the word of the Lord. Thus says the Lord: Behold, I myself am against the shepherds; I will require my flock at their hand, and I will cause them to cease, that they may no longer feed my flock, nor shall the shepherds feed themselves any more (ibid.). Who would not tremble at these things? Who would receive them without intolerable dread of the future examination, except one who either does not understand or does not believe what is to come? But since all that God willed to be observed he set forth so openly, and so confirmed by the authority of his own name, that we more easily (which is a horror even to say) despise them than fail to understand or disbelieve things so plain and divine:
when we hear, Thus says the Lord, who would not believe that to be future which the Lord says, except one who does not believe God? And as for what he says: Woe to the shepherds—who does not understand that this 'woe' is set down as a curse, and that we are signified by the name of shepherds, except one who does not consider the future? We, made shepherds, undertake the Lord's flocks to be fed; and we feed ourselves, when we look not to the welfare of the flocks, but attend to what may foster and increase our pleasures. The milk and the wool of the sheep of Christ we joyfully receive through the daily offerings and tithes of the faithful, and we lay aside the care of feeding and restoring the flocks—by whom, in a perverse order, we wish to be fed ourselves.
We do not heal with spiritual counsel the one made weak by sins, we do not strengthen with priestly aid or restore the one broken by diverse tribulations, we do not recall to the way of salvation the one who errs, we do not seek with pastoral solicitude the one already lost through despair of pardon: made powerful only to this end, that we may claim a tyrannical dominion over our subjects; not that we may defend the afflicted against the violence of the powerful, who rage against them in the manner of wild beasts. Hence it is that, wearied grievously both by the powerful of this world and—what is worse—by us, not a few perish utterly, whom the Lord terribly threatens to require at our hand, saying:
I will require my sheep at the hand of the shepherds, and I will cause them to cease, that they may no longer feed (Ezek. 34:10). What else is this than: the shepherds who feed themselves, not my flock, I will strip of the loftiness of their dignity; and because they would not guard their honor, I will cast them out among the reprobate? Terrified by the consideration of these and similar things: Fear and trembling came upon me, and darkness covered me, and I said: Who will give me wings like a dove, and I will fly away, and be at rest (Ps. 54:6-7)?
And this is the whole reason why, mindful of my own unfitness and of the end to come, I groaned, and wished, having laid aside the burden of my episcopate, to flee far away, and to remain in solitude, and there to await the Lord, who would save me from my faintheartedness and from that very tempest of cares intolerable to me.